Apr 11, 2009 – Work

Saturday, April 11, 2009 – Work

I was surprised to receive a phone call today from a friend of “Dad”’s. I’ll call him “B”. He owns his own business and asked if I’d be interested in meeting him at Mickey D’s this morning to talk about working for him temporarily. So we met around 11 am.

I got there first and waited for him for about 15 minutes. There’s a class that’s offered in prison called “Community Transition”. We’re required to take this class when we’re less than 6 months from release. It’s a 10-week class and it changes with each session. The session after the one I attended addressed something that my class did not: sex offenders going to fast food restaurants. According to this session, it’s something to be violated over. But like with EVERYTHING concerning your supervision, it’s dependent upon you, your crime, your history, and your CCO. For me, a fast food place is no biggie. I’m not attracted to elementary kids. However, when you hear things like “you’ll be VIOLATED if you go to Burger King”, they have a lasting impact on you. I went into the restaurant and ordered a cup of coffee. I took a seat next to the door all by myself. But the other side of the restaurant was teaming with kids. It’s during these moments when I’m left to my own thoughts that my fears begin to rear their ugly heads. I started to think about “what if these parents knew I’m a sex offender”, “what if one of these kids’ toys rolls over to my feet”, “do I kick the toy or pick it up politely”, “do I smile and nod at the family if they look over at me”, “how long can I stare out this window at the dumpster”, “will I go back to jail if someone finds out who I am”? It’s almost endless. Finally, “B” arrived, got his coffee and joined me at the table. Once he joined me, then I felt like a normal person. Someone with whom another person would talk to and be seen with. We talked about his business and we agreed that it would be a nice job for me.

Then he asked me about my crime, which he already knew from “Dad” telling him, but he wanted to hear it from me. This is where it gets difficult. I tell him my crime which is Rape of a Child in the 3rd degree. My behavior according to everyday people was sex with a teen aged girl. His response was something along the line of “then there should be a lot more of us in prison, considering what I did when I was young.” But I was 31 and she was 14. My behavior according to therapy terms was digital rape, oral rape, and penile rape. This brings up “informed consent” which goes hand in hand with “power differential”. A teen can have sex with another teen because one is not in authority over the other and because as far as being informed about what they’re doing, they’re on a level playing field. But because of the vast age difference it’s considered rape, because there’s an element of exploitation there. So if someone tells me “but she consented” my response is “she couldn’t rationally consent because of her undeveloped thinking skills”. To sum it up: I knew better, but she didn’t.

Then “B” started asking me about how I’m doing with getting out and finances and other stuff like that. I told him about “Mom and Dad” helping me out a lot. I told him about the money I got at the gate. He reached in his wallet and pulled out a $100.00 bill and gave it to me. I started to turn it down and he said “don’t refuse it and don’t tell anyone”. As soon as he left, I got in my car, called my Dad and started crying, telling him about what had just happened. I started to talk negatively about myself and that I don’t deserve any of this goodness that’s been happening to me. Dad assured me that I am a good man and people are seeing it and are trying to help me. I did wrong. I did a HUGE wrong. And yet, people are still willing to help me.

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